Spending most of my time reading fan fictions over the internet, I've come up with these stupid wants: I want someone who'll challenge me as much as Draco challenges Hermione. I want what they have. I want how and who they are to each other.
I'm in love with the idea of a perfect partner that is so unrealistic, he's already broken my heart for it. You see, I've got this totally warped sense of romance now. I can see him and me fighting about grown-up things and stupid things all the time. I don't know if we eventually work them out but judging by how we don't end up parting ways, I guess we do. I can see me wanting to kill him but (besides the obvious fact that it's illegal) I'd miss him so I don't. I can see us having this destructive, dysfunctional love-hate relationship. I can see me doing crazy, stupid things with him. I can see me trying to keep my temper in check because he likes riling me up as much as I do him. But I can also see us not going to sleep angry at each other. I can see us actually caring for each other and being sensitive to each other's needs. I can see us having long talks and no awkward moments. I can see me actually putting myself out there for him and trusting him enough not to break my heart. I can see us being friends. I can see us with our friends, my friends and his friends. I can see us on a couch in our shared flat, talking about our future and our family.
But I've come to realize that stuff doesn't exist in real life. I believe fiction has probably ruined life for me; real life has no appeal to me anymore. If I remember correctly, it was also (sometimes) the reason why I missed classes, meals and sleep. While it has ruined my life, is still ruining it and will continue doing so until I manage to pull myself out of it, it has also opened my eyes to the world. Through fiction, I've experienced things I never would've imagined experiencing - I've traveled from London to Paris to Italy to Greece to Milan and gone around the world; I've learned about cultures, traditions, practices, behaviours, etc.; I've understood and seen from other people's perspective; I've grieved for people, things and events I have no relation to; I've fallen in love or least felt it even a bit; I've had my heart broken over stupid decisions, right choices, separation, fate, circumstance, life and death; I've expanded my vocabulary and my horizons; I've learned a thing or two about myself; I've seen what life is like from different walks of life; etc.
Although I've neglected myself in so many different aspects, I don't think I have it in me to be able to just stop for a minute (and smile - no, screw you) to sort out my priorities. I'm way in too deep in the world of fiction; it distracts me so much, too easily from real life.
I know the printed word (actual books) is very much different from the fan fictions I read over the internet. And although considering most of them are amateurs, I can't help but get sucked in because I'm always on the search of a great underrated story. You can probably compare it to listening to mainstream and indie music. Although I must begrudgingly admit that some 'mainstream' stories are good, finding great 'indie' stories gives me some sense of fulfillment.
There was a time when I thought I've read all the good ones on the internet already, but the internet is just so vast, I don't think anyone can ever compete with it if they tried. Everyday it just grows more and more and I try so hard to keep up but I just can't. I'm just stuck somewhere in the middle of the desert, leaving marks in hopes of finding them again, only to abandon them completely and move on to an entirely different route.
I don't know how someone can just fully give up on the world of fiction when it's so much better than real life. When I try to pull myself away from it, I get these weird feelings I can't describe - desperation, probably - and I ask myself, "Is this how a withdrawal feels like?" See what I meant by experiencing things now? I don't have to take drugs, smoke whatever shit, or do something illegal to get a withdrawal. But what do I know, right?
(One thing I do know for certain is that I suck at endings.)
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