How To Always Be Unhappy by Ryan O'Connell

Come into this world thinking you’re owed something. Have a permanent chip on your shoulder and always feel like you’ve been slighted in some way. Expect things from people. Fail to be gracious. Take rather than give. This kind of attitude not only lends itself to complete narcissism, it sets you up to always feel disappointed in people. In your eyes, you’re never being loved enough or appreciated.

Always blame things on your parents and childhood. Maybe you were dealt a bad hand and some pretty horrible things happened to you. Or maybe your parents just didn’t buy you enough crap. Whatever the case may be, hold on to terrible things with an iron grip. Never let go. Fail to understand that when you hold these things in a suffocating grip, you’re also suffocating yourself. You’re not allowing yourself to move forward and progress as a human being. While it’s true that we had no power over how we were raised, we do have power over the way we deal with it. As you get older, you can either bathe in your own misery. You can lather, rinse, and repeat, finding comfort in dwelling. Or you can consciously start to let go and make a life for yourself on your own terms. If you pick the former, you’re bound to be unhappy.

Be a complete and total narcissist. Never stop outside of yourself to look at things through another point of view. Never meet people halfway. Ask if they can always meet you on the corner of Me Me Me street and I Am Limited Avenue. Maybe it’s because you’re lazy and don’t care enough about someone to switch your way of thinking. Or maybe it’s because you’re genuinely incapable of doing so. You’re emotionally stunted and broken in some way. That’s real. Some people actually can’t recognize their shortcomings, which is terrifying because it means they’ll never be fixed. Hence, unhappiness.

Be someone who can’t move on from things. Get stranded in a land mine of your own memories. Try to escape and find joy in the present but find it to be incredibly dificult. You’re caught on the “What If’s” and the “Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda’s”. Your fear keeps you there and it will continue to keep you there until you find a way to free yourself.

Find beauty in sadness and believe that it makes you special. It’s, like, your thing. You’re The Depressed Friend, the one who’s needy and sucks all the energy from their friends. You say you want to get better and be just like everybody else but that may not be entirely true. Some people thrive on being damaged. They don’t understand how dangerous this kind of thinking is until everyone has finally given up on them, and they’re all alone with their special sadness. Are you ready to be happy now? The Boy Who Cried Depression.

Be too smart for your own good. Understand things too much. Know just how bad life can get. It’s like there’s constant noise going on in your brain that you can’t turn off. You just want to hold a hymn, listen to some charismatic speaker and make it all go away. Because of your intelligence, you’re unable to relate to most people. You don’t understand how others can live the way they do, how they can’t comprehend the things you get. What you wouldn’t give to not understand.

(How To Always Be Unhappy by Ryan O'Connell)

How Fiction Ruined My Life

 Spending most of my time reading fan fictions over the internet, I've come up with these stupid wants: I want someone who'll challenge me as much as Draco challenges Hermione. I want what they have. I want how and who they are to each other.

I'm in love with the idea of a perfect partner that is so unrealistic, he's already broken my heart for it. You see, I've got this totally warped sense of romance now. I can see him and me fighting about grown-up things and stupid things all the time. I don't know if we eventually work them out but judging by how we don't end up parting ways, I guess we do. I can see me wanting to kill him but (besides the obvious fact that it's illegal) I'd miss him so I don't. I can see us having this destructive, dysfunctional love-hate relationship. I can see me doing crazy, stupid things with him. I can see me trying to keep my temper in check because he likes riling me up as much as I do him. But I can also see us not going to sleep angry at each other. I can see us actually caring for each other and being sensitive to each other's needs. I can see us having long talks and no awkward moments. I can see me actually putting myself out there for him and trusting him enough not to break my heart. I can see us being friends. I can see us with our friends, my friends and his friends. I can see us on a couch in our shared flat, talking about our future and our family.

But I've come to realize that stuff doesn't exist in real life. I believe fiction has probably ruined life for me; real life has no appeal to me anymore. If I remember correctly, it was also (sometimes) the reason why I missed classes, meals and sleep. While it has ruined my life, is still ruining it and will continue doing so until I manage to pull myself out of it, it has also opened my eyes to the world. Through fiction, I've experienced things I never would've imagined experiencing - I've traveled from London to Paris to Italy to Greece to Milan and gone around the world; I've learned about cultures, traditions, practices, behaviours, etc.; I've understood and seen from other people's perspective; I've grieved for people, things and events I have no relation to; I've fallen in love or least felt it even a bit; I've had my heart broken over stupid decisions, right choices, separation, fate, circumstance, life and death; I've expanded my vocabulary and my horizons; I've learned a thing or two about myself; I've seen what life is like from different walks of life; etc.

Although I've neglected myself in so many different aspects, I don't think I have it in me to be able to just stop for a minute (and smile - no, screw you) to sort out my priorities. I'm way in too deep in the world of fiction; it distracts me so much, too easily from real life.

I know the printed word (actual books) is very much different from the fan fictions I read over the internet. And although considering most of them are amateurs, I can't help but get sucked in because I'm always on the search of a great underrated story. You can probably compare it to listening to mainstream and indie music. Although I must begrudgingly admit that some 'mainstream' stories are good, finding great 'indie' stories gives me some sense of fulfillment.

There was a time when I thought I've read all the good ones on the internet already, but the internet is just so vast, I don't think anyone can ever compete with it if they tried. Everyday it just grows more and more and I try so hard to keep up but I just can't. I'm just stuck somewhere in the middle of the desert, leaving marks in hopes of finding them again, only to abandon them completely and move on to an entirely different route.

I don't know how someone can just fully give up on the world of fiction when it's so much better than real life. When I try to pull myself away from it, I get these weird feelings I can't describe - desperation, probably - and I ask myself, "Is this how a withdrawal feels like?" See what I meant by experiencing things now? I don't have to take drugs, smoke whatever shit, or do something illegal to get a withdrawal. But what do I know, right?

(One thing I do know for certain is that I suck at endings.)