Midnight Madness

I don't know where it came from but as I was taking a walk a while ago, it suddenly came to me that I don't even trust my very own family anymore. I mean, we're much closer and tighter now more than ever but there's just something in the back of my mind that's making me doubt everything. I can tell them everything because they're family but I find that I can't entirely rely on them. It's not that they do a shit job at it (All right, maybe they do but that's not the point.) but I guess it's just me (It probably is just me, really.). I'm not sure when these thoughts have started forming in my head but I'm thinking I don't even like them very much. (As if they even like me at all. They're just merely tolerating me out of obligation of some sort.) But when you're all fucked up, who else can you turn to other than your family? I mean, we're all just so fucked up. I think that my head is just so messed up right now that I'm probably making an issue out of something that is not. Or maybe I'm just more fucked up than I actually think I am.

Sure, you can roll your eyes and think that I'm exaggerating. You don't even know my story: I have trust issues and that's not even the half of it. But I have amazing friends who are there from time to time but are never enough and who I don't think I even deserve. I don't know how it could be but I tend to get too attached to people but I also find it easy to let go. My family is an entirely different thing. People think I've got a perfect life but truthfully, it's far from it.

I've been living in a protected bubble for so long that going out to the real world totally threw me off. It was all just too much for me and I just went down crashing. I hit rock bottom and my current situation isn't very far from it but my feelings towards it have changed. I'm thinking I might need to see a psychiatrist or something. It'll also tackle my trust issue. Since it'll be a professional relationship, I can just tell that person every single thing I want to without second thoughts or holding back. It's like paying for a friend. I think that's all we really need friends for - to listen to whatever kind of bullshit we come up with.

I just think that we all need someone to talk to or else we'd go barmy. Maybe that's why out of the blue, my siblings would just sit in front of me and start talking as I'm using the laptop. Maybe that's what a boyfriend or a partner is for. Unlike friends or best friends, they're somewhat obligated to be in touch with you all the time. Maybe I should just get myself a boyfriend and save me some money instead of getting a psychiatrist. But I don't think that would work out very well for me; I'm laziest person I know, I procrastinate a lot, I'm shit at keeping in touch be it just replying to text messages, I randomly pop in and out of people's lives and I seriously contemplate on whether or not some things are worth getting out of the bed for like going to the bathroom or eating.

I am well-aware of how terrible of a person I've become and how badly I need to change. But to tell you the truth, I just don't really give a fuck about anything at all right now. I'm not feeling any sense of urgency or doom of some sort that I should probably be considering my current situation. I haven't any drive at all. I've been so passsive about everything lately; I'm practically a zombie, just going about day by day without any care at all for anything. Honestly, if I were to die right at this moment, I wouldn't care less at all.