My life in pictures.

So, basically,

and

Most of the time,

and I wonder

Sometimes I just think

But, I just want to give up, you know?

In truth,

I mean,

and

But I tell myself,

and

It's not enough though and I don't think it'll ever be enough. I mean, what if I'm beyond saving? What if I can't be save any more? What if I don't want to be saved?

When I wake up in the morning, I just think,

Because

Midnight Madness

I don't know where it came from but as I was taking a walk a while ago, it suddenly came to me that I don't even trust my very own family anymore. I mean, we're much closer and tighter now more than ever but there's just something in the back of my mind that's making me doubt everything. I can tell them everything because they're family but I find that I can't entirely rely on them. It's not that they do a shit job at it (All right, maybe they do but that's not the point.) but I guess it's just me (It probably is just me, really.). I'm not sure when these thoughts have started forming in my head but I'm thinking I don't even like them very much. (As if they even like me at all. They're just merely tolerating me out of obligation of some sort.) But when you're all fucked up, who else can you turn to other than your family? I mean, we're all just so fucked up. I think that my head is just so messed up right now that I'm probably making an issue out of something that is not. Or maybe I'm just more fucked up than I actually think I am.

Sure, you can roll your eyes and think that I'm exaggerating. You don't even know my story: I have trust issues and that's not even the half of it. But I have amazing friends who are there from time to time but are never enough and who I don't think I even deserve. I don't know how it could be but I tend to get too attached to people but I also find it easy to let go. My family is an entirely different thing. People think I've got a perfect life but truthfully, it's far from it.

I've been living in a protected bubble for so long that going out to the real world totally threw me off. It was all just too much for me and I just went down crashing. I hit rock bottom and my current situation isn't very far from it but my feelings towards it have changed. I'm thinking I might need to see a psychiatrist or something. It'll also tackle my trust issue. Since it'll be a professional relationship, I can just tell that person every single thing I want to without second thoughts or holding back. It's like paying for a friend. I think that's all we really need friends for - to listen to whatever kind of bullshit we come up with.

I just think that we all need someone to talk to or else we'd go barmy. Maybe that's why out of the blue, my siblings would just sit in front of me and start talking as I'm using the laptop. Maybe that's what a boyfriend or a partner is for. Unlike friends or best friends, they're somewhat obligated to be in touch with you all the time. Maybe I should just get myself a boyfriend and save me some money instead of getting a psychiatrist. But I don't think that would work out very well for me; I'm laziest person I know, I procrastinate a lot, I'm shit at keeping in touch be it just replying to text messages, I randomly pop in and out of people's lives and I seriously contemplate on whether or not some things are worth getting out of the bed for like going to the bathroom or eating.

I am well-aware of how terrible of a person I've become and how badly I need to change. But to tell you the truth, I just don't really give a fuck about anything at all right now. I'm not feeling any sense of urgency or doom of some sort that I should probably be considering my current situation. I haven't any drive at all. I've been so passsive about everything lately; I'm practically a zombie, just going about day by day without any care at all for anything. Honestly, if I were to die right at this moment, I wouldn't care less at all.

Delirium

"The most dangerous sicknesses are those that make us believe we are well."

"I said, I prefer the ocean when it's gray. Or not really gray. A pale, in-between color. It reminds me of waiting for something good to happen."

"You can't be happy unless you're unhappy sometimes."

"It's so strange how life works: You want something and you wait and wait and feel like it's taking forever to come. Then it happens and it's over and all you want to do is curl back up in that moment before things changed."

"I'd rather die my way than live yours."

"One of the strangest things about life is that it will chug on, blind and oblivious, even as your private world - your little carved-out sphere - is twisting and morphing, even breaking apart. One day you have parents; the next day you're an orphan. One day you have a place and a path. The next day you're lost in the wilderness. And still the sun rises and clouds mass and drift and people shop for groceries and toilets flush and blinds go up and down. That's when you realize that most of it - life, the relentless mechanism of existing - isn't about you. It doesn't include you at all. It will thrust onward even after you've jumped the edge. Even after you're dead."

"I've learned to get really good at this - say one thing when I'm thinking about something else, act like I'm listening when I'm not, pretend to be calm and happy when I'm really freaking out. It's one of the skills you perfect as you get older."

"I know the past will drag you backward and down, have you snatching at whispers of wind and the gibberish of trees rubbing together, trying to decipher some code, trying to piece together what was broken. It's hopeless. The past is nothing but a weight. It will build inside you like a stone."

"Take it from me: If you hear the past speaking to you, feel it tugging at your back and running its fingers up your spine, the best thing to do - the only thing - is run."

"Everyone you trust, everyone you think you can count on, will disappoint you. When left to their own devices, people lie and keep secrets and change and disappear some behind a different face or personality, some behind early morning fog, beyond a cliff. That's why the cure is so important. That's why we need it."

"The deadliest of all deadly things: It kills you both when you have it and when you don’t."

"I guess that’s what saying Good-bye is always like—jumping off the edge. The worst part is making the choice to do it. Once you’re in the air there is nothing you can do but let go."

Speak now.

Real life is a funny thing, you know. In real life, saying the right thing at the right moment is beyond crucial. So crucial, in fact, that most of us start to hesitate for fear of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. But lately what I've begun to fear more than that is letting the moment pass without saying anything. I think you deserve to look back on your life without this chorus of resounding voices saying, "I could've but it's too late now." So, there's a time for silence and there's a time for waiting your turn. But if you know how you feel and you so clearly know what you need to say, you know it; I don't think you should wait.. I think you should speak now.

I know I might regret this in the future but right now, I'm bored.

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails." (Mark Twain)

I've always been such a good girl. I live in a conservative country, go to a Catholic school and my parents keep me grounded. No, not like the bad kind of grounded - I don't even think that's in my parents' vocabulary. I have no vices. I don't drink nor drive. I don't do drugs nor people. I don't smoke. I don't even bite my nails. The worst thing I've probably done is cut classes.

Lately, I've been into recording videos of myself - singing and being silly. My mum warned me that I'll regret it in the future and I just simply said to her, "I don't care; I'm bored." I know it might seem very out of character of me to other people and even slightly barmy but right now, I just really don't care. What I say or do is none of their business and I'm not going to change my opinion on that matter because of what they think. I do admit that there's a huge possibility that I may regret this in the future (because from time to time, I do) but right now I'm just thinking "Whatever, I won't be young for long. Let me live."

Honesty can be a bitterly cruel thing.