Hate me.

Just to get it out there, I am very unladylike. I swear a lot and I curse a lot. I don't think a day has passed by without me uttering obscenities, or at least screaming profanities in my head. I am very sarcastic and I've got a dry sense of humor, which doesn't really bid well with people who don't know me. I get such drastic mood swings that I'm starting to believe that maybe I have multiple personalities.

Okay, I'm gonna stop bashing myself right there. If you don't already hate me, believe me, you will. I mean, I honestly don't like myself either but listing down my oh so brilliant qualities, I've only realize now how unlikeable of a person I actually am. It's like I'm warning you that I'm this and that but that really shouldn't excuse me for being so! Not at all.

Everyday, I'm in a constant battle with myself (whenever I remember to analyze myself, or at least think). I'm surprised I can even fix other people's problems and give advice in the very least. By other people, I mean the depleting number of people I actually can hold conversations with besides my relatives - yes, I'm that terrible of a person.

I need to change, I know. It's not that I don't want to but I'm still too busy burying myself in self-pity to actually do anything about my life. If I could just end it right now, believe me I would. It's not really on the question of being able to do it or not but more on having enough courage to actually do so. I'm too much of a coward to do anything at all. I've failed and hit rock-bottom that I don't think I'll be able to handle any more of that. Think of it, failing on ending the failure you call your life.

“If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don’t want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it too. I want them to be able to do whatever they want around me.” (The Perks of Being a Wallflower)