Bucket List.

I want to do this before I die. Or maybe die from doing it. Naked. Why not hit two birds with one stone? But.. maybe not. I haven’t enough guts to do it.

Hate me.

Just to get it out there, I am very unladylike. I swear a lot and I curse a lot. I don't think a day has passed by without me uttering obscenities, or at least screaming profanities in my head. I am very sarcastic and I've got a dry sense of humor, which doesn't really bid well with people who don't know me. I get such drastic mood swings that I'm starting to believe that maybe I have multiple personalities.

Okay, I'm gonna stop bashing myself right there. If you don't already hate me, believe me, you will. I mean, I honestly don't like myself either but listing down my oh so brilliant qualities, I've only realize now how unlikeable of a person I actually am. It's like I'm warning you that I'm this and that but that really shouldn't excuse me for being so! Not at all.

Everyday, I'm in a constant battle with myself (whenever I remember to analyze myself, or at least think). I'm surprised I can even fix other people's problems and give advice in the very least. By other people, I mean the depleting number of people I actually can hold conversations with besides my relatives - yes, I'm that terrible of a person.

I need to change, I know. It's not that I don't want to but I'm still too busy burying myself in self-pity to actually do anything about my life. If I could just end it right now, believe me I would. It's not really on the question of being able to do it or not but more on having enough courage to actually do so. I'm too much of a coward to do anything at all. I've failed and hit rock-bottom that I don't think I'll be able to handle any more of that. Think of it, failing on ending the failure you call your life.

“If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don’t want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it too. I want them to be able to do whatever they want around me.” (The Perks of Being a Wallflower)

Trust issues.

Know that no matter how many knives we put in each other’s backs, that we’ll have each other’s backs, ’cause we’re that lucky.

Am I that lucky? I think not.

I've been through enough to know that I cannot trust anyone but myself. Not my childhood friends, not even my best friend in the entire world. My family, maybe, but others? Just.. no.

It's simply setting yourself up for disappointment or getting hurt. It leaves you too vulnerable. People always leave no matter how much they assure you that they won't, or that it's "forever" - what a foolish thing to believe in.

No one's obligated to stay in your life as long as you want or need them to. Eventually, we're all going to have to move on. In some point or another, we're going to leave the people we never thought we would. Whether it's taking each other for granted or people changing over time, bottom line is someone stops trying. That's life.

Lesson: Trust no one. (I don't even trust myself!)

In an attempt to being not so negative (or realistic, as I see it), I just thought that I should share what my former high school teacher once said: Of course, people may dump us as they dump rags and disposable diapers, but that's no excuse not to seek eternal friendships. We just have to remember that we can't please everyone and we can't be all things for all people. We just have to be we (which of course is at times difficult if not perilous), without regrets and apologies. You gain some and you lose some.