I'm sorry.

“The people I thought I could trust left me.”

I can apologize several times for that but I know there will always be a shadow of doubt in you and I understand that. I know what I did was wrong. I should’ve faced you and stayed with you but instead, I chose the coward’s way - I wrote you a letter and left. I’m sorry, you’re not the first to get that from me, actually. It’s just what I do. That’s how I deal. I don’t think I can be like the other girls acting like they love you when they’re in front of you but secretly hating your guts. I don’t think I can tell you straight out in your face that you’re a bitch or I don’t like you and expect everything to still be the same. If I did that, I know we’d just be secretly hating each other but staying as friends for convenience. I think we would’ve gone off far worse if things happened differently.

We needed a break from each other. We needed to re-evaluate ourselves. We needed to grow. We needed time.

I knew somehow we’d go back to each other, you know. I knew we’d be friends again. I knew we’d be better. I knew we’d be stronger. I’m not sure if you feel the same but I consider you as one of my best friends - although not officially, just in my heart or something. See, we’ve grown, seen our mistakes and corrected our wrongs. There’s nothing that I don’t like about you anymore. I know that’s very wrong and I feel very undeserving to be your friend but I wanted to like you, I wanted to keep you as my friend, I didn’t want being friends with you to be a burden or obligatory or out of pity. You were becoming too heavy to carry and I knew I just had to let you go.

Again, I’m sorry. Just know that I appreciate being your friend. Sometimes I feel unimportant to you but I just accept it because maybe I am and I can’t really hold that from you. You know how others say, “I’m tired of being second to those who I put first.” Well, sometimes I feel that. Sometimes I just want to give up on us. But then, I start to remember how much of a good friend you are, so I hold on a little longer and just hope that maybe I’m something to you too.

Bookworm-ish.

I feel pathetic for feeling like crying because I can't get what I want. What is it that I want? Books. It's kind of funny though because I'm serious.

I feel bad because I can't buy the books that I want that I see on the internet. It's either I don't have money, or it's unavailable in our country. In times when I actually do have money and am in a bookstore, I just feel overwhelmed with all the choices. I want to get the best book but I don't know what it is. I want to buy almost all the books on the shelves but I know that I can not.

People find it weird how I consider a book store "heaven". I just can't help but feel very excited and euphoric whenever I see one, especially Book Sale. I can't help but think of the wonderful surprises it holds at a very cheap price! I imagine the hunt for the perfect book to buy. I imagine the feel and the smell of the books and I think that one could just leave me in the shop for hours. I imagine those hard-bound books and I just can't help but want to buy them all.

This seriously makes me feel like coming undone. It's just so beautiful. All those books and the architecture of that building - it looks like heaven to me. I do worry though that it might unexpectedly rain and it'll be too late to save all those books outside.

I admit I can get a bit greedy, if you may call it that, when it comes to books. I want too many books that even though I haven't finished reading them and it's becoming a growing pile day by day, I can't help but buy more. Currently, I have about eleven books that I haven't finished reading yet. Oddly enough, I don't like reading only one book at a time. I always feel the need to grab another one and read them alternately. I love suspense too much that I even give it to myself. Whenever something major is happening or is going to be revealed, I would stop reading the book and go on a break. Perhaps I just like to form my own assumptions and conclusions first before I find out the truth or the facts. I'd have to admit though that the most contributing factor for having such a huge number of unfinished books is that I get distracted far too easily for my liking.

I find that I'm a bit possessive with my books too and there's always a voice nagging in my mind whenever my book isn't in my possession - like whenever I'd let other people borrow it. I'm not really the type to recommend books to other people though because I'm afraid of what they might come of it about me, or that I have poor judgement and the book's actually terrible.

And yet, despite all that, I have committed the ultimate book crime. I was just too tempted to do it that I actually went to Book Sale to look for a hard-bound book especially for this purpose. I've read the book as I cut through the pages and I actually found it interesting. Good thing I cut it in a way that no print is affected. I can bind them together if I want to.

(Forgive me, the picture's actually flipped. The camera does weird things when it takes pictures.)